[tor-talk] But it’s already too late for many others. *Appelbaum*

[ja.talk]

https://medium.com/@bcrypt/no-subject-e2f79d28e172

Yan

Two dear friends who work for Tor Project came out publicly today with sexual abuse allegations against Jacob Appelbaum, who also used to work for Tor. 
* https://medium.com/@flexlibris/theres-really-no-such-thing-as-the-voiceless-92b3fa45134d
* https://blog.patternsinthevoid.net/the-forest-for-the-trees.html

My admiration for these two people is virtually endless. If you only read one thing today, please stop reading this post immediately and read one of their stories. To first order, they made me feel:
1. Rage at what they had to endure in silence. Even more rage for other victims who never found the courage and support they needed to speak up against Jake. 
2. Gratitude that the Tor organization has finally rid itself of Jake and will be conducting investigations with the help of a legal firm. Also gratitude that hacker/activist communities are mostly taking these allegations seriously and revoking their associations with Jake. (CdC, Freedom of the Press, and Noisebridge have all done so.) This gives me hope that future sexual predators will not be able to thrive for as long as Jake did.

Beyond that, I was hesitant to write down my second-order thoughts publicly for fear that they will detract from the stories of actual victims, of which I am not one. However, I decided to share them in the interest of giving people a little more context on what has been going on, supporting the existing testimonials, and reminding us not to remain passive bystanders to any kind of abuse, no matter how uncertain we are.

1. I have been involved in Tor peripherally since 2013 (as an admin of a Tor Browser Bundle component) and heard multiple stories from employees who had been sexually harassed and/or manipulated by Jake over the years, though never anything as serious as assault. It perplexed me that nothing was being done to fire or demote him as far as I could tell. I asked a friend, who had been closer to the center of the organization, why this was. They gave some plausible-sounding reasons, like how nobody wanted to deal with the personal attacks and backlash that Jake would inevitably launch upon them, and how Jake was a valuable public face for Tor. I didn’t really buy it, but I also wasn’t sure what was actually going on. It didn’t feel like my place to speak up on behalf of the victims, so I did nothing. To this day I feel guilty. Had I reached out to a few more people to ask what would have helped, or simply offered to listen and validate their experiences, perhaps something useful would have happened a year ago.

2. Jake is/was a close and longtime friend of many of my ex-partners, who thought highly of him and often implied that he was someone worth getting to know. I believe that all of these people knew about his behavior to some extent, so it’s strange to me that they were friends with him regardless. It’s even stranger that people I respect are defending Jake right now, after many credible accusations have come to light. Humans are flawed and complex, but sometimes you have to draw a line for the sake of harm-reduction.

I’m left with the uncomfortable, dissonant realization that I am friends with people who have a higher tolerance for abusive community members than I think is safe for any community.

3. This last point is kind of personal, so just to be clear on one thing: Jake has never tried to sexually harass/assault me as far as I can tell, and I mostly avoided interacting with him in person because I heard a long time ago that he does not always respect sexual boundaries. We’ve probably said less than 20 sentences to each other in real life. But this year after CCC, I drank too much at a party in Berlin and the next thing I remember was waking up alone in someone’s bedroom at a different apartment feeling sick with no clear memory of how I got there. I pulled myself out of the bed, stumbled into the dark living room, and found someone I knew. I asked them whose bed I was in, and they said Jake’s. I felt gross upon hearing that, but as far as I could tell, nothing bad had happened and I had a friend at the party who was looking out for me. Still, I was disturbed by the thought of being unconscious in his room at a party with a bunch of strangers and a 3-hour hole in my memory. I vowed not to drink that much alcohol ever again, and indeed I’ve barely drank at all in the last 6 months.

If people had spoken up earlier about Jake being a serial rapist, I wouldn’t have let down my guard and followed my friends to Jake’s apartment in an intoxicated state, regardless of whether he had been proven guilty in court or not. It’s just not a risk I could afford. It may sound like sarcasm, but I’m sincerely grateful that the community is finally transparent enough about one resident sexual predator that people can make informed risk assessments around him and not get hurt.

But it’s already too late for many others.